creature-like

i realized the other day why having hodgkins lymphoma/going through chemo/having them pull bones and tissues out of you/and an endless brigade of petscans makes me feel like a creature.

that's why. poked and prodded practically everyday with no chance at the normal life one once reveled in.

make sure her bloods are up!
make sure she's not dehydrated?
make sure this and that...

don't get me wrong, i love MY doctors. but the doctors over at the stem cell place make me feel either dumb, or less of a person by having to shlep to their place of work at the times they want me to shlep there.

i don't want to shlep. i am a person. can i have one day free, to sleep. can i be selfish and ask for two free days during the week? i don't want to be your lab experiment. i'm only coming here to make sure my lymphnodes go back to normal and there's no more "cancer" in me.

so here's the deal that i know of so far...

• petscan tomorrow to see how far i've come after 2 ice chemos (after the 12 other chemo's I've had, where half supposedly only worked)
• when they will draw my stem cells from me including plugging a frankenstein-like thing into me to drain them
• if i will need another ice chemo
• when i will go in for my auto stem cell transplant. that means, they are using my own stem cells because they are healthy and not disease ridden. 
• then, 3 or so weeks in the hospital to get the stem cell transplant.
• one week of around the clock intensive chemo to eradicate whatever trace of disease in my body could be left. this will weaken me.
• the day after that, they put my stem cells (after the thaw them out, of course) back in me.
• then there's a wait to see how many days it will take for my blood counts to come up by themselves. until they start working normally, i will be at risk for infection.

in the meantime, my family has been taking care of me, and making sure i eat. i've been eating a lot, because i don't eat when i'm around chemo-times. (i just can't deal with hospitals or the food there even though i know they are trying to make me better)

yesterday, my sisters went to take blood tests for me. because, just in case my own stem cells don't work, maybe one of them will be a match. 

mine will work. 

when i get home, the house has to have been sterilized from top to bottom and i'll probably need weeks to recuperate and make sure i'm not tired before i slowly start to go out again. a small price to pay for the rest of my life, yes.

am i scared? um, yeah. hello? shit.

am i bald? my head looks like mr. clean's head. only cuter. and less hair.

i'm on ativan for anxiety, which i don't take all the time-- only if i get "that way" and it's been helping me sleep a little because i've only taken it at night.

other problems i may have later? NONE, i'm saying none. i don't care what they say. 

and i would like my hair to grow back fast and normally. is that too much to  ask??

in the meantime, the worst part of this is me thinking that i'll either puke, hallucinate, or stay at the hospital even at all. 

i don't even know what else to do.3 weeks at a hospital being bored, tired, and bored. blah.

happier notes: my teeny nephew has gotten massive grades at school, he's just wonderful. my nieces are the yummiest ever, and my oldest nephew is going to be 17 this summer. holy. cow. and my friends are so amazing, i've gotten very, very lucky.

i'm also writing a book about my hodgkie story. publishers, anyone?

i don't want to have to miss all the fun events going on this summer but i guess i gotta so i can get better. blah. this makes me mad. so....

i hope you're enjoying your summers, please do so for me!!!

love me,

the globetrotting gamine

one left. ONE LEFT!

as i sit here writing this, my pup assistant is sitting in my lap. i've submitted another proposal to another publisher. i am anxiously awaiting for my next petscan so it can say...

you beat it!! it's over!! now, go live!

i'll happily do so. please pray for me, and everyone going through the battle!!

the future of my hair

So that's me, during chemo #10. Yep- hair's trying real hard to cover that head of mine.

It's crazy the amount of things I have to do before chemo is acutally over so I can feel as if I finally have some semblance of freedom.

The to do list keeps growing, and the weather is FINALLY getting so much more friendly that the last thing I want to do is get stuck being fatigued at home.

Today, with the amount of crazy paperwork I had to do, it only made me want to do everything else and I can't help but feeling the teeniest bit of overwhelmed.

What does one do when they're overwhelmed? Well, I'm sure they look at photos of possible future hairstyles, like these!!

 Alice from Twilight- I know it'll take me a few months to get here- like 6 months.

 at least 5 months to get to this hairstyle- i'm so excited! isn't alyssa milano beautiful??

 I think Halle Berry's hair is about the same length as the first photo I posted, so it'll be another 5-7 months.

 This photo? I'll have this hair in hopefully a YEAR from now. Sigh.

 Can't wait to do this ^ with my hair!!!

So these last two photos are what I'm going to be working with soon. Things are about to get interesting.
(most photos from google images)

Happy Monday!!

love me,
the globetrotting gamine
instagram: @globetrottinggamine

certainly not dull

though i have hodgkin's lymphoma, and am going through chemo-

i'm sorry, i'm still restless. at least mentally.

my hubby, LML, has the good sense to tell me when I need to sit still and do nothing. He's been amazing and our latest project kept us busy this weekend.

the truth is...once they tell me i'm in remission, other than sleeping- i won't plan on sitting still.

i've had 7 months of pent up energies here going nowhere- especially because of the mental block that chemo brings.

i've had a few roadblocks. 2 chemos were pushed to a further along date- I think I would have been done with the 12 treatments I would have had by now. My last date is ::fingers crossed:: sometime at the end of the month.

biopsies, extractions, blood tests, doctors, emergency room visits, chemo itself, smells that make you seriousl y sick, mouth sores due to chemo side effects, and constantly being on some sort of meds to fend off viruses really takes a toll on a person. especially when all that person wants is their life back.

the truth is that life will never be the same after you get stuck with something like this and maybe THAT's OK! maybe life will be better, maybe one would be happier...

at least I know I will be.

this is not something that's easy.

all through this, i've learned who my REAL friends are and who to kick to the curb. it's sad when you realize that there's people out there who don't even give you a second thought upon finding out something of this magnitude, but I have to learn to let go.

the people who have stuck around, those are some good eggs. i am totally and completely blessed.

thankfully, my chemo journey carried me through winter, where I couldn't go out and participate in anything much anyway. i've barely been out for months and DO remember the last time i saw all my friends past 9pm at the same time!

geez.

i have so many things i want, and will do when this is over that yes- i can't sit still. my soul-friends know this about me. poor things.

(sorry in advance to tire you out!)

so that's what's been going on in the chemo-fog that is my brain.

on to bigger and better- and even if i do have to live with the worry that this may or may not return one day- i'm not gonna worry too much.

i'm going to do the same thing that you should do.
go out and live.

What's in my Bag?

when i started my hodgkin's lymphoma "adventure"

my bed was overridden by medications that 

i really don't enjoy taking. 

isn't chemotherapy bad enough?

so now i'm completely thrilled

that those days are gone, gone gone...

and i figure I can post what's in my bag, finally!

faux fur cavalcanti bag...

pink (of course) coach wallet...

(I can't tell you what's in there. no. sorry!)

my pochacco by sanrio notepad

(every writer needs a notepad in her bag for jotting down to-do list items and last minute book ideas. that, and it's way more shoulder- friendly than my HUGE leather Perry Ellis Portfolio)

lilly pulitzer makeup bag

(love love love)

lipglosses

hand sanitizer from whole foods

hand lotion given to me by my mama

(and highly necessary for this season- my hands get so dry!!)

altoid mini's (necessary, especially after chemo!)

a lucky $1 origami swan

given to me by my bestie!!

note: i have a makeup obsession. i do. but i refuse to wear much of anything until after chemo's over and my eyebrows and eyelashes grow back.

not that they fell off completely, but thinking about that whole ordeal had been one of the worst parts

 of this experience for me.

so, on to bigger and better!

what's in your bag??

love me,

the globetrotting gamine

also, note: this bag's contents are day to day and have nothing to do with travel, events, or hospital runs. though those will be posted soon.

to plan, to plan

(2010- from my portfoilio)


I was going to complain about my 9th chemo...but this set things in the right direction even though I am not 100% yet...

"From The Secret Daily Teachings

When a big change occurs in your life it forces you to change direction. Sometimes the new path may not be easy, but you can be absolutely certain that there is magnificence for you on the new path. You can be absolutely certain that the new path contains things that you could not have experienced otherwise.

When we look back at a negative event that occurred in the past, we often see how in fact it transformed our life. We see how that event directed us toward a life that we would not change for anything."

I really wouldn't change my life for anything...cancer or no cancer.

happiness and the like

happiness isn't easy to define- it's different for everyone.

for one thing, people are different. actually, that's the most important thing.

before my diagnosis, i figured i was pretty happy. beautiful family, the most amazing husband in the world, friends that spoil me rotten, and an itinerary people would throw tomatoes at me for. i felt pretty fulfilled.

BANG! Hodgkin's.

BANG!! Oh man, why didn't I do EVERYTHING I've wanted to do yet?

So it's unrealistic to think that way. At 31, I had done A LOT of things and SEEN a lot of places. It wasn't enough.

Why didn't I get up these last couple of years to tackle HALF that ever-growing to do list?

I didn't know it was HL. I thought it was early menopause, a cold, the flu, pneumonia or something. Turns out, it was more like EVERYTHING!!

Now, I don't feel too bad that i was THAT lazy- I knew that there was something wrong with me, I just didn't know what it was. It took a long time to find out, and by then, I was diagnosed with a stage 2b.

Ah, well. This chapter of my life is almost over.

Then what?
Everything.

EVERYTHING!

My energy levels (which used to border on up real early to sleepy when it's really late) are coming back. My oomph to do and see and buy and eat everything is coming back.

My poor husband. My poor friends.

Who is going to get rest this summer? Not me. I can't wait to LIVE.

I owe it to everyone- my family, my friends, other survivors, and those who have gone before us.

And I really owe it to myself.

Like my nephew said, I will always be the slayer.

because...

there are so many things that  i want to do that it's driving me absolutely insane that i can't do them yet.

happy news: it's my wonderful hubby's birthday today!

happy birthday to my best friend...
my partner in crime...
the peanut butter to my jelly...
my soulmate...
the guy i've been crushing on for almost twenty years...
the guy i've married a lot...
the one that i want to snuggle next to forever.

i am so incredibly blessed to have him in my life. i'm the luckiest girl in the world, and i can still say that 9 years after the first time i married him.

i can't wait to live the rest of my life with him...

and i'll continue to make my lists until chemo's over.

countdown: 2 months left!!!

reading on my mind...

Chemo sucks. Just freaking sucks. In the meantime, I've been making some (quiet for now) life changes and mini-home improvements to help myself move right along to springtime (and booking some discussions and events for my book, Images of America: Greeks in Queens...above and center).

Next time is chemo #8-- and 4 more to go after that. I still can't quite believe that it's happening to me and why, since I was so careful...I try not to think this way, but this is what happens the week I am 'on' chemo. Truth be told, my brain functions aren't all there either during the week on. I hate it.
So, I am holed up in the house in much more beautiful weather than the winter ickiness we'd grown accustomed to getting, and it's got me reeling and waiting for the day when I can go out, or stay in, and do what I want.

what chemo reminds me of...before, during, and after.
Bella's Transformation

Though I haven't gone past the during stage, I'm looking forward to after. That, and some hairs are growing in, spunky little things.

there you have it. i hate this and my brain is mush. can't wait for spring.

today

when i was diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma- i made a promise to myself that i would try to do at least ONE new thing everyday.

note: difficult to do when you're stranded home because of weather and chemo-feelings.
note 2: difficult to do when you used to be wonder woman in the home.

today was one of those days where i figured i'd tap back into my child-self and do some crafts. what better thing to pitter the minutes away doing than making stationery?

i am OBSESSED with stationery.  i honestly would never need to go to the store to pick up any, ever again. today, i thought it would be fun if i made my own designs. let's face it, i had a lot of the materials i needed available to me from years of accumulating cute stuff.

the photo map:

i think...this will continue. adding more to my list (:

what do you think?

please keep toasty this weekend!

love me,
the globetrotting gamine

more ch-ch-ch-changes

(this was taken 1.13.13- about a month after we shaved it all off. now, i have renegade hairspikes and it's growing in slooooowly. gosh darned chemo.)

cancer sucks ass. isn't life crazy? it seems that when it has just about kicked you into oblivion, it turns around and opens your eyes to more opportunities, and eye openers like never before.

dear universe, i've been listening. i know i should have spent more time out of the house and out of the gym. i'm excited about my upcoming 2nd chance at life and ready to totally do things differently- again. i've also learned, or re-learned, that one is ever-evolving and ever-learning and that love is the only thing that makes the world go round. i've learned, despite what's happened, that i love my body and must do whatever i have to do to protect it. the family and friends who constantly check up on me- i've always known that they were the real 'thang' and still so, so thankful to have such thoughtful, happy and beautiful people in my life.

things i'm so excited to do:

• more time with family (incl. LML, nieces, nephews, parentals, sisters, etc.)
• movies, especially beautiful creatures, despicable me 2, and watching breaking dawn 2 with my daddy!
• get a manicure and pedicure- finallyyyy (with nail polish from whole foods i'm kinda excited about)
• going back to work (i.e. books, magazine...)
• vacation, all i ever wanted...
• to do lists of things to do--issues, yes, I gots 'em!

with the upcoming blizzard, i've visited some stores and the library in preparation. we are almost good to go. movies, candles, food, books- check.
with chemo coming up this week, i know i'll be getting in a lot of sleep so i know i'll dream up more opportunities and projects to keep myself busy.

hope no one gets hit hard with the nasty weather, and stay warm, happy and toasty!

love me,
the globetrotting gamine

preparing for springtime, part one

(that's my new facetime friend...i. love. her.)

my activities have been limited due to chemotherapy- and the weather outside my new york residence window is less than exciting. i've been homebound for most of this...time. you can check out small updates on my instagram (@globetrottinggamine)

updates:
cleaned and organized::

• kitchen drawers, all
• kitchen cabinets, all but one
• bathroom cabinet and drawers, all
• top junk drawer of living room chest
• under the bed storage
• guest room/walk in closet- closet.
• bedroom closet
• bedroom linen closet
• two drawers of "stuff" in the bedroom bureau's
• 
  

created::

• "stationery station" using old, unused hatbox (I didn't know how many cards, paper, postcards, stickers, memo pads, post its, and notebook i'd acquired until this past Monday...)
• "holiday wrapping station" using under the bed storage box that was empty (I didn't realize how lacking I was in this department, so I'm working on it gradually.)
• household binder- if you'd like to see it, please message me! i made it personal to what i ponder on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.
• holiday binder- for that holiday info
• memories binder- for cards, pictures drawn by my lovely niece and nephews, letters and notes from darling friends, etc.
• book-ideas binder- because it's necessary...if you've pittered around my blog these last few years, you'd know how crazy my ideas are.
• 2 manuscript binders
• medical binder- for "the hodgkins" that's almost gone from my bod
• interior design binder
• and another memory binder

left to do::

• complete all lists for household binder
• to-do list
• one kitchen cabinet
• four small bureau drawers
• all the large bureau drawers
• weed out closet in april
• clean out basement
• clean out office (which is some of what's above)
• outfit planner
• schedule plans// events to plan
• schedule book signings
• complete power point presentation
• craft/supplies area in office
• odds and ends for laundry room
• set up ebay shop
• 2 home organizations scheduled for springtime
• register for courses
• scrapbooks
• loose photos into albums

i literally wore myself out. lol

what projects do you have going on this winter?!

love me,

the globetrotting gamine

Chemo-Winter Activities

Well, chemo last week almost killed me since they administered the bleo-the most toxic to the lungs- when I already had only 75% of my lungs working. I hallucinated, vomited, passed out- not in that order- and it was not fun nor pretty. My poor hubby...

Now, I have a pleural rub- which means my lungs are so inflammed that they rumble when I breathe and are KILLING ME to take a breath.

With the temperature being what it is in New York- about a 10 degree average- I'm under house arrest. This is what I've been doing---

• organizing the kitchen
• re-organizing the closets
• getting rid of clutter and things we don't use
• creating storage under the beds
• playing with recipes for the crock pot
• catching up on my correspondence (i loved being a pen pal when I was little, an addiction that has never truly gone away...)
• cleaning out the clothing drawers...
• gathering ideas for menus
• gathering ideas for travel and other activities I get to do when chemo is over (my new rule, that i'm VERY excited about- is at least ONE NEW THING EVERYDAY to do, be, or have, or make...)
• making appointments for my book discussions and thinking up/working on more book ideas
• watching my hair grow in like a chia pet...

At this rate- chemo will be completely over April 22nd, unless my 3rd pet scan (sometime in March) comes up COMPLETELY clear- which is what i am praying and hoping for...

the good news--- my 2nd pet scan showed that 70% of the disease/masses/whatever my body had is gone!!

GONE GONE GONEEEE

I'm still freaked out that this happened to me and that it happens to people. There should be a non-evasive cure for all cancers. I know it's out there.

In the meantime, I'm also excited about my hair growing in- and about the pixie cut I shall have! I was never ballsy enough to do it myself, but now...well, it's on it's way.

So keep toasty, send me light and love, and have fun out there for me...

love love love to y'all...

a letter to my future self

Dear Me,

It's January 8th, 2013. In numbers, 23 years ago today our niece was born, it's been 3 months since running around from doctor to doctor, 2 months since I've gotten diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Last year, I had just gotten back from a whirlwind vacation with my soulmate. The same goes for two years ago. 2 months since my first "not-published-by-just-me" book found its way in bookstores, 2 months since my first book discussion and signing...8 years MARRIED! to my soulmate...

Writing all this down makes me realize that I am extremely lucky. I'm still living a charmed life- Hodgkin's is curable and even though chemo is kicking my ass, I'm going to kick cancers ass and move on with my life- write more books, give more hugs and snuggles, meet more people, travel the world.

Where do I want to be next year when I look back and read this? Settled into my new life, taking care of myself and those around me. So far I've learned: what was wrong with me and why I was feeling so fatigued and sick, who my real friends are (I really got lucky with my group of friends- they are the most amazing people I know. True friends reveal themselves in times of hardships, and for that I am truuuuly thankful), my crazy strength ( i guess. everyone's been telling me i am, but i feel it's more of an "gotta do this to get back to my life" thing, and that God is present in everything (that's a story for another day. well- 10 days. so far.)

Cancer-Schmancer is right. I'm really quite through with it. I have 8 more chemo treatments left, and I muster up what looks like strength to get through the week with it. It's gross and makes me sick. What else it's trying to teach me I don't know. I've always been extremely grateful for my life, for the little things, for anything. There is a lesson in everything. Will I be forever afraid that it will come back? Maybe. There's the one year after chemo to build your immune system back up. I can't wait to be with you at that one year mark. Then there's the five year mark, where after that, you *i* are considered cured. I desperately want to be there already, but I won't let LIFE go until then. I plan to LIVE.

Cured cured cured. I want to hear that word so much. When I do hear it, I'll be 36 years old. That, in and of itself, is a miracle to me even hearing it, thinking about it. I was never one to be selfish or worry about  myself, and to know that I have to watch my every feeling for the rest of my life because my life now does depend on it is overwhelming. After April, a new routine, diet, celebration of life will ensue for as long as God sees it fit for me to be on this earth, and I will relish every second. Just like we all should, because that's all we can do.

The lesson that I may have to LET be taught to be because of all this? To keep strong with faith, and to not hold off anything that I want to do (not that anyone should!) for another day.

By next year, I hope your (my) life changes into something greater than I could have ever imagined NOT walking down this journey- I hope I (we?) have done everything we've wanted and could possibly do to make life that much richer. I'll know more that life was never about the material stuff, or accomplishments, or anything fleeting. Life is not about the TIME you have left- but what you DO with the time you've been given (wait, isn't that a famous quote?)

Life is and will always be about:
love
happiness
joy
family
friends
experiences
smiles
hugs
memories
furry friends
a quiet meal
beauty
faith
intention

And mine's gonna be great.
See you (me!) next year.

Signed,
the globetrotting gamine

holiday wrap up!

How were your holidays?  I hope they were beautiful!!

Mine? I spent my beautiful, happy holiday with my huge family.
I was pretty happy. I still am. This is a good week.

What else has been going on? Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Fun FUN.

NOOOOOOT. It should be re-labeled the wtf? disease.

But, GOOD NEWS: I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. They pulled blood and ran the factor 5 leiden test as well to see if I am prone to blood clots. It's gonna take some time to get the results in to me but I won't have to be on the blood thinners anymore no matter what!!!!

I was so, so happy.

Even happier when my amazing doctor (who I thought was amazing from the get-go) told me that he feels no more prominent lodes! gone gone gone...

Now all I need is a petscan to prove it!!

So here we go- I have my fourth chemo treatment on new year's eve...which is ironic since on New Years Day 2012 I was in the Bahamas...so 1/3 of the journey is over. I plan on going into full remisson, speeding towards the five year mark of cure cure cured!

So this is what's been going on in my head:

• doctor's appointments
• chemo days
• bone aches and pains
• chemo smells and taste. eew. eew. eew.
• stomach cramps
• having to force myself to have broths and soup. ew.
• when is this over when is this over 
• must prepare for upcoming book discussions and signings
• must sign up for college courses on specific things. sad part- a list of at least 6 classes i want to take that most (except for me) would deem un-fun.

What else? 

After this is over I need to find:

• a way to get my....certification. more on that soon.
• start my....more about that soon.
• re-organize my ransacked by paperwork life. Any Ideas?
• continue my manuscripts
• continue my illustrations
• a yoga studio!!! or wellness center! please shoot me ideas :)

what are you up to? are you preparing for new years 2013??

love me,

the globetrotting gamine

holidays without drama? nah

So what are the holidays without a little bit of drama?

Boring, probably. But I never knew I would be the one bringing the drama to the table.

Not the best time to say it, but I guess at this point word has spread and there's no turning back:

Not long after that post and during the tragic Hurricane Sandy, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Basically it was bye, bye plans and hello chemotherapy.

Yes, I'm bald.
Yes, it sucks and I've had a couple of really bad weeks but more really good weeks. So what have I been doing?

Planning my remission party. Planning getaways.
Dealing with it.
Praying.
Decorating for the holidays.
Some more praying.

Oh yeah- going to my book signings.

The good thing is that it's curable. Worst case scenario is that chemo will last about 5 more months.
The worst thing is the wait.
Even worst, waiting for the 5-year mark, i.e. CURED!

So here I am, dealing with it and writing a book about it. Complete with sketches.

Time to look for a publisher.

Please let me live vicariously through you with your happy news and holiday plans :)

love me,
the globetrotting gamine