creature-like

i realized the other day why having hodgkins lymphoma/going through chemo/having them pull bones and tissues out of you/and an endless brigade of petscans makes me feel like a creature.

that's why. poked and prodded practically everyday with no chance at the normal life one once reveled in.

make sure her bloods are up!
make sure she's not dehydrated?
make sure this and that...

don't get me wrong, i love MY doctors. but the doctors over at the stem cell place make me feel either dumb, or less of a person by having to shlep to their place of work at the times they want me to shlep there.

i don't want to shlep. i am a person. can i have one day free, to sleep. can i be selfish and ask for two free days during the week? i don't want to be your lab experiment. i'm only coming here to make sure my lymphnodes go back to normal and there's no more "cancer" in me.

so here's the deal that i know of so far...

• petscan tomorrow to see how far i've come after 2 ice chemos (after the 12 other chemo's I've had, where half supposedly only worked)
• when they will draw my stem cells from me including plugging a frankenstein-like thing into me to drain them
• if i will need another ice chemo
• when i will go in for my auto stem cell transplant. that means, they are using my own stem cells because they are healthy and not disease ridden. 
• then, 3 or so weeks in the hospital to get the stem cell transplant.
• one week of around the clock intensive chemo to eradicate whatever trace of disease in my body could be left. this will weaken me.
• the day after that, they put my stem cells (after the thaw them out, of course) back in me.
• then there's a wait to see how many days it will take for my blood counts to come up by themselves. until they start working normally, i will be at risk for infection.

in the meantime, my family has been taking care of me, and making sure i eat. i've been eating a lot, because i don't eat when i'm around chemo-times. (i just can't deal with hospitals or the food there even though i know they are trying to make me better)

yesterday, my sisters went to take blood tests for me. because, just in case my own stem cells don't work, maybe one of them will be a match. 

mine will work. 

when i get home, the house has to have been sterilized from top to bottom and i'll probably need weeks to recuperate and make sure i'm not tired before i slowly start to go out again. a small price to pay for the rest of my life, yes.

am i scared? um, yeah. hello? shit.

am i bald? my head looks like mr. clean's head. only cuter. and less hair.

i'm on ativan for anxiety, which i don't take all the time-- only if i get "that way" and it's been helping me sleep a little because i've only taken it at night.

other problems i may have later? NONE, i'm saying none. i don't care what they say. 

and i would like my hair to grow back fast and normally. is that too much to  ask??

in the meantime, the worst part of this is me thinking that i'll either puke, hallucinate, or stay at the hospital even at all. 

i don't even know what else to do.3 weeks at a hospital being bored, tired, and bored. blah.

happier notes: my teeny nephew has gotten massive grades at school, he's just wonderful. my nieces are the yummiest ever, and my oldest nephew is going to be 17 this summer. holy. cow. and my friends are so amazing, i've gotten very, very lucky.

i'm also writing a book about my hodgkie story. publishers, anyone?

i don't want to have to miss all the fun events going on this summer but i guess i gotta so i can get better. blah. this makes me mad. so....

i hope you're enjoying your summers, please do so for me!!!

love me,

the globetrotting gamine

hello chaotic self...

(at least i have a cute doggie who snuggles with me :) )

It's been quite a while since I've felt like myself- since my body has waged war on me, really.
Why? I don't know. I exercise, eat right, haven't globetrotted anywhere in these last few months, pretty much no stress (yeah, yeah, insert world's smallest violin here, I know...)

Oh, one cause of stress: my book coming out in bookstores, see here

To make matters- interesting- it started to hurt my entire body when typing so I was inspired to visit my Mom's Holistic Doctor.

Monday was my first time receiving acupuncture. I was not relaxed, and almost immediately I got a case of the itchies. In my ear, on my cheek, on my forehead...but the doc told me not to move.

So, I didn't.

The second part of my therapy is tea. The tea is geared toward my 100 ailments- she gears them individually towards each patient and they have an almost immediate effect. However-

it's gross. Vile. Ew.

The doc told me to just suck it down and not think about it. Twice a day until this coming Monday.

I finished my third cup today.

I've had a disgusting cramp in my leg- which could be any number of things but other than that, I've been feeling a teeny weeny bit better.

I'll catch you up ASAP!

Hope you're all feeling wonderful and please shoot me 'feel good' vibes :)

Love me,
the globetrotting gamine

my rants.

there is so much going on in my tiny little world (let alone the rest of the world)

that i find it hard to begin and get out everything that's been going on and everything i've been feeling.

i am resorting back to lists to give you guys a glimpse into what's been going on:

1. this weather. really, New Yorkers and all in the Tri-State area...wtf? Hot, cold, humid, cold. Warm, cold. Stop getting me sick!
2. doctors. can you figure out how to talk to a patient yourself while not scaring her? thanks.
3. rehabilitation centers- you're supposed to CHECK on your patients and make sure that they don't roll out of bed, you assholes. how can someone who hasn't walked or sat up for a whole year decide that three days ago would be the day that she'd roll out of bed. we know it was your, you *^*&^%^&%'s.
4. drivers (grrrrr and grrrrr)- why are you trying to kill me by cutting me off with your car? did i do something to you? did me going straight and following traffic laws piss you off? did you believe that i had a deathwish? you're lucky i didn't play bumper cars with you, you dumb &%*k's.
5. children/students: when you leave your school building and you're walking God Only Knows Where, why do you feel above everyone else who is in an AUTOMOBILE while you are not looking when you cross the street? Why are you frolicking while not looking or hearing the oncoming traffic?? Did it bother you when I honked my horn and scared the piss out of you in front of your stupid little friends? Curse at me again and I swear to God I will get out of the car and kick the snot out of you. You're lucky I had my dog in the car and that he's little. Your parents must be so proud and I am so happy I know where you go to school.
6. hospitals- why do you make people wait in drafty hallways when there are quite obviously empty beds and warm empty rooms that the patient will be pulled into directly? i have so many rants about you, hospitals, that I think I can write a book about it.
7. time warner cable- stop dicking me around with these bills and no clean-cut explanations, you animals.

i am sorry i had to rant and rave so much, but this is going on in the world of me.

i hope you lovely readers are having a much better, happy healthy week <3

love me,

the globetrotting gamine