Blast From the Past

What you see written below is a note that I received on March 24th, 1996. I am listing it here as a red flag example. This person was said to be my best friend back then, and reading this note recently opened my eyes in many ways. It will be featured in my [one day PUBLISHED] book, My Life in Letters (Copyright, Who'sThatGamine, 2009):

Dear MG,
Hi. I just hung up the phone with you and I don't feel like doing my global homework. I'm listening to Kiss From A Rose on Mix 105. It reminds me of my dickless ex-boyfriend, Albert (yuck, hurl). I always have to see him on the fucking bus with his stupid ass brother. Yucky! I can't believe I actually went out with him. YUCK.
Anyways, how are you? I'm trying to write as fast as I can so I could go do global homework so...I'm fine I guess. I think I really do like Kevin now, but I'm hesitant, you know? I finally figured out what was wrong with me...I'M AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT! DING DING DING! Hit the nail right on the head!
Do you know why? No? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. It's all because of my second ex-boyfriend, spineless jellyfish Craig. Wouldn't it be just like me to slip and call Kevin Craig? That sounds like something that would only happen to moi! God forbid! I'm knocking on wood for that.
Anyway, we went out for two months and I was like totally infatuated with the little booger (I got that obscene language from YOU!) and I thought he also liked me, but apparently, according to my connection (which was my ex best friend, Robert) he only liked me for three weeks. Robert said that Craigy boy said that I was a stuck up dog who talked about being all that because I am (culture bleeped out to protect, well, me :)
Newsflash: I never even told him that I was (bleep). He kept up with that act for 5 weeks, and he was cheating on me with not 1, not 2, but three little ho's. One of which is blonde haired and blue eyed. Gag me, pleez?!?!?!
And guess what? This is a Craigy update: Alison (yack) told me that Craig's ex, the blonde, said he was a fast mover! HA! I practically had to force him to kiss me and when he did he kissed like a dog drinking from a toilet. I heard that he recites the ABCs when he's making out. So funny....
Anyways, back to Kevin. I really do like him. I'm just afraid that if I get too attached and close, he'll leave. I won't be able to handle that. I'll fall apart completely! I'm exaggerating just a little bit, but you know what I mean. Guys are weird like that. Just look at your Ex! AHAHA
I wonder how I kiss? It's something that I've alays wanted to know but I feel too stupid to ask it. Kevin kisses very deep, I know that. its like he wants more than kissing. I should watch out for that. But I don’t think he likes me. Guys never like me! Stop nagging me, MG! I know you’re shaking your head rattling off the “endless” (cough, cough) names of young chaps who” like” me.

I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell him that he doesn’t like me. He’ll protest and then I’ll ask why he likes me in the first place. Maybe that will cure and make all my insecurities vanish away like mist. Did you hear about the comet? I’m going to ask my mom if we could go out on the roof to see if we can spot it. I am now listening to “ironic”. just like my life. I like Alanis’s first song, “You Oughta Know”. I dedicated that to my first boyfriend, Vincent.
What happened on Friday? Well let me tell you then. Ben is such a joke- oh I’m listening to Circle of Life now! Ha ha- anyways he thinks he’s all that but he ain’t. he’s this overgrown deformed, dickless little boy who has no life!! He thinks he can beat me but he can’t. I’m more of a man than he is and I’m a girl! I just love to instigate fights with him. I call him “Gym Teacher want to-Be” and he likes it! It’s pathetic. What else? So at the end of gym class, everyone tells me how violent I am. Then, Ben turns around and tells me something really insulting. I don’t remember what it was, to which I retorted:
Well, Ben, you have no dick.
And then everyone just went “OOOooh” I laughed and left. Cool, huh? I feel like a woman! Grrr!
At the mall, I finally remembered to call my Mommy. I said I was at school and just finished speech. It was fine. We sat and talked about school and stuff. We walked around. He walked while I frolicked. He must think I’m so deranged. In the mall, he tried to kiss me but he couldn’t because of that stupid hat of his. I told him I didn’t like it because it hurt my head. We went outside and walked. He said that he was an exception to all white people because he listened to rap. I called him a want to-be. He admitted to it. I laughed and said I didn’t care if he was and I kissed him on the nape of his neck. Wow. We started to kiss but we were in the middle of the driveway so he stopped me before I got carried away. Ha ha. I just skipped around and we were walking by the gas station when a car almost an over me. Kevin had a fit but I was just laughing. I found it really funny. He bought me peanuts and walked me to my bus stop. I just missed my bus but waited for next one. I was resting at the corner of a closed down store and he was just watching me. I looked at him and said to him, “You want to kiss me.” he said yeah so I told him to take off his hat before anything. I took it off for him and we kissed. Make out, peck cuddle, whatever, we did it. You know, I kiss better when my head is tilted to the left. That’s weird, dontcha think? The bus came and he said that I should take the bus. I said I thought so too, and we kissed. I was about to turn around and leave when he took me by the hand and asked me if I was going to be home. I said that I thought so. He said he would call me and he wrapped his arms around me tight and snug and kissed me. Damn I didn’t expect that. Not that I’m complaining. His hands are so warm in comparison to my cold reptile like hands. His cheek is so smooth and his hair looks funny when it’s blowing in the wind. That’s probably why he’s always wearing that hat.
Well, that’s all. Read and be entertained, my child!

Please note that names and other things have been altered. Also, note that this was MY best friend, and the only metions of me in this note is that I was being laughed at. Note to all the young bloggies out there, if you have a friend like this now, she's only sticking around for her own benefit. I'm sure she's already using you and your name as a backup plan so she can sneak around with guys behind her parents' back.

Ah, now that I got that off my chest. Please warn your children or siblings that people who never ask if you're doing OK or are ALIVE probably aren't worth it in the first place.


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